Published on July 7, 2004 By trina_p In Life Journals
Today I'm blogging for me.

Yesterday just because I could I was looking at old files on this laptop - the laptop is Nick's old one and the old files were MSN chat logs- I was only interested in reading the conversations he was having with me -- boy did I make a mistake going there.

Reading a chatlog from 2years ago.............I felt like I had NO idea who that person was - she called herself variations of trina like I do but she was 19 going on 14 and I feel like I'm 21 going on 30. The things she was saying - so insecure in herself and her relationship with the guy she was chatting with - so worried about what random people would think about her and so eager to please. It really was like reading fiction - but it was cringe worthy because I knew it was me andI remembered alot of the context of what I was saying.
I just wanted to jump back in time (like this episode of Red Dwarf we watched last night where they jumped into photographs and changed stuff) and whisper in this chick's ear - You're an Idiot - None of this matters -- are you listening to yourself - Moron

Arh - she frustrates me no end - I just can't believe the things going on in her head


but the one good thing that could come out of reading that is the realisation of how much I have changed and how much more I like the new me.

*The one who doesn't have phony friends - The people I now consider true friends I can count on one hand but we regularly speak, there are no Taboo subjects and I'm not afraid to be honest with them.
The 19yo considered anyone she'd spent more then 5minutes talking to as a true friend when they were (are) merely acquaintences and some of the people she'd call Best friends were the ones she kept her biggest secrets from.

*Who isn't afraid to speak the truth. The one who doesn'thave to have her finger in everyone's pie - who's quite content not being everyone's go to girl ) Happy not "counselling" (but still happy to listen occassionally)
The 19yo trina had to know everything - who likes who, who's fighting with who, she was the psychiartrist, matchmaker, peacemaker to everyone - she was the one they called at 3am because something had happened and she never knew how to say "I can't help you"

*The one who's very secure in her marriage that know's that bad stuff happens somethings but Love gets you through everything and that every small thing isn't the end of the world.

When the 19yo was first going out with her now spouse she was crazy - she was so insecure in her relationship and about his feelingsfor her - she questioned everything and tried to make things move faster then what their natural course would have taken. And that every bad situation, small disagreement big arguement - everything signaled the endof the relationship. She looked for the worst possible scererio in everything....

I'm 21 I'm married to an exceptionally wonderful man who often frustrates me and even angers me sometimes - but I know that's normal and we talk about the issue and we work it out.

I have an extremely beautiful 7month old baby girl - who also frustrates me sometimes - but I can deal with that too - On especially bad days I can actually be comfortable about putting her in her cot shutting the door and walking to the mailbox for a few seconds peace (sometimes)

I'm happy with who I am and learning to be happy about how I got to be this way.

on Jul 07, 2004
Trina what happened to this post that you posted yesterday?
Still its a good one.. and makes me think about timke and how it changes things for we all grow and change and learn.
on Jul 07, 2004
Its called * (asterix) -- if you read that one you'll see what happened
on Jul 09, 2004
Ahh I know exactly where you're coming from hunny! I think back to things I've done, and do really cringe, yuck! Was I really that person? At least you've learnt though, and that behaviours made you the wicked lass you are today! I'm happy that things have really worked out for you!
on Jul 10, 2004

i'm proud of you. and i miss you -- the now you -- all the best bits of the old you (yes, there were good parts too) and all the best bits of the new revised you. bless you my darling

internship's over now! i can't wait to catch up soon! (and i can't wait to catch up on sleep too!!)
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